Brawndo: The Thirst Mutilator

via @annietown

This is why you're fat.

Link. Via Shawn.

The Large Hadron Collider is going online next week and it's going to kill us all

It's true! The CERN Laboratory of Denmark or something is going to switch on its Doomsday Device and annihilate the world to smithereens, despite all the warnings from the presses and the medias, and even some other science types. They will do this on Wednesday of next week, so set your death-watches. The Large Hadron Collider, which is buried a thousand feet underground because it is so dangerous, cost literally tons of money to make, even though it uses almost entirely off-the-shelf parts.

It works by firing already incredibly dangerous (and fantastically expensive) exotic particles known only as "hadrons" at each other at sub-atomic speeds. The Large Hadron Collider, or L.H.C. (as it is called by most scientists) does this by placing a hadron on one side of a tiny (50 nanometers across at its widest point) see-saw-like device, and firing another hadron at the other side. The first hadron is catapulted to the other side of the room where a third hadron is suspended from a clothesline-like magnetic field. If the two hadrons collide there is a 25% chance that the two hadrons will combine to form a super-massive black hole the size of the sun, or make supernova or something equally bad, right there in the room. If they miss, it is very difficult to reset the experiment because the hadrons are so small and very hard to find. Nevertheless, reset it they will, and try again and again until we are all dead.

Needless to say, this is a very very very very bad idea. Haven't scientists had enough of playing at God at this point? Between the twin arrogancies of nuclear bomb, stem cells, and cancer research, when do we say to ourselves, look, scientists--what do you say we grow ourselves a collective conscience and call it a day?

Even Japanese Science Physicist Michio Kaku (a well-known figure in the field of space physics) was quoted as saying that the L.H.C. might even create a fire-breathing dragon. How long must regular people like you and I be subjected to the insane whims of evil, amoral, evil scientists? When will the madness end? When the universe is destroyed? Because that, my friends, is too late.

Stephen: Marooned

FFS

If, of course, you remember this.

A tarsier, God, and THX Sound

Things like this:

It's actually a tarsier, not a maki or a lemur. And why did God make women menstruate? I mean, cats and rats don't have to menstruate and they make babies just fine. That's just mean to women. If I were women, I'd hate God.

A Present From Across the Seas

My friend Annabelle has sent me this present via mail. It is called a HOMIE. It seems like a toy, but maybe it is a weapon, or something. I climbed down into my yard, told the LOST cast members to screw off, and photographed him. I have named him Stephen after Stephen K. Chan. Annabelle has a blong, a real one, and it is really really funny, and always picks me up when I am down. This is because Annabelle is always having a worse day than me. Annabelle's blong can be found here. Thank you, Annabelle!

Things That Made David Banner So Mad He Turned Into The Hulk

A coworker sent me an exhaustive, spectacular list of things that made David Banner so mad that he turned into the Hulk. What strikes me first is how bumbling he is. He's always dropping things on his feet, or knocking things over so that they fall on his head, or wandering into dangerous areas that are on fire. Here are some key moments:

25. Grabbing the pipe that is below freezing temperature

32. Getting his jacket caught in the printwheels at the newspaper printing room, and then inexplicably sticking his hand into the rollers

74. Trying to run away from the nasty prison work camp, only to fall through a rotted bridge, and then being bitten by a rattlesnake

99. Accidentally leaving the laser beam on in the chemical lab so that it cuts across the room and into the highly toxic chemicals so that David is enveloped in poisonous fumes

He reminds me one of those hand models in a commercial for some new inventiony product who are trying to use a completely regular product, and making a total mess of things; and hurting themselves in the process. You can see them saying, using only body language, "There's no way I will ever be able to open this damn jar! I give up! Forever! I'm going to totally murder my husband for sticking me with all the housework!"

CUT TO: David's eyes (wearing contacts)
CUE: Hulk music

Orangina

Apparently, in the Bahamas it's pronounced like vagina.

The Machine Girl

Um, holy fuck.

Earth 617

Dudes, there is a very terrifying blong in the slot right next to ours.