Friday, April 11, 2008

An Open Letter to Kentucky Fried Chicken Hawaii


Dear idiots--

I'll get right to it. How is it possible that you jackasses don't sell musubi? I mean, are you fucking crazy? (For those of you on foreign shores, musubi (also called 'onigiri', apparently) are simple rice balls, wrapped in seaweed so you can hold the things in your hand. They're of Japanese origin, but a pretty ubiquitous starch delivery system in Hawaii.) Yeah, so like I was saying; are you guys fucking crazy? All the other fast food joints are busting blood vessels in their brain praying to Jesus that you don't think of this simple, simple idea. I mean, McDonalds has had saimin forever, and Burger King sells SPAM, for fuck's sake. And those ideas are stupid, and pandering, and only interesting in the slightest because the rest of the world thinks SPAM is gross. Original Recipe and Rice Balls is fire from the skies, raining down on the heads of your enemies. Think of how easy this would be to do, and how instead you're wasting your time (and mine) cramming random clippings from your menu into fucking bowls. Come on. YOU ARE NOT TACO BELL. STOP ACTING LIKE FUCKING TACO BELL. I digress. Do this musubi thing, and you'll need to build a second drive-through lane (possibly a third). Do this musubi thing and you guys would have so much goddamned money you could all drive fifty-foot magic spaceships. You know I'm right. Fucking hurry.

Sincerely yours,
Mr. Pony


9 comments:

Anonymous said...

here here!

odori said...

what do you want inside KFC musubi?

Anonymous said...

Gravy

Mr. Pony said...

A toy surprise!

Anonymous said...

We have a musubi store here.

Mr. Pony said...

Yes, but you're in Midtown Manhattan. Might be hard to work out a deal with KFC Hawaii. Hey, you're right near Midtown Comics East, aren't you? Maybe I can help broker a deal. I'm sure we can work something out...

Anonymous said...

the people deserve an answer
-klause

Anonymous said...

the people deserve an answer
-klause

Ruby Tenneco said...

I just saw this post, since I was searching to find out about Spam sushi.

This is the very good post. I learned much about rice balls. I am obsessed with the food in Hawaii though I've never been there. They have Spam in Burger King?!?